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  • Indra Šilar

29 days



Day 1

… my beloved cat dies. 20 years of deep connection.

Love transforms into a new love.

But my heart shatters into a 1000 peaces. I feel broke and struck by grief so deeply, that words don’t explain.


I have connected deeper to this cat than to most humans. Yes that is the truth and now its on social media. There you go. I am outing myself. I am different and yet totally the same as you.


Because I love deeply. I feel deeply. I care deeply. I connect deeply. Always have , always will. Everything about me is deep. Always has, always will.

I would not have survived my life, without my depth of my heart, the ability to forgive and look beyond the vail of fear.


I WIN. MY CHOICE. I WIN.


Day 7

7 days of nothing. Grief. Gardening. Hugs. Walks. Crying. Nothing. Pain. Nothing. Numb, Laughter.

Enjoying the Sun. Watching the moon.

Crawling into bed. Feeling like a truck has hit me.

Reaching out to friends. Just wanting to connect.

Not wanting to be the strong one, but wanting to be the one that is allowed to grief and be present with it.


Day 10

Work. Connect. Garden. Breath.

I can do this. I can do this,

I can do this. I can do this.


Tears. grief. confusion. Emotional regulation.

Great food. An epic drive with a convertible through the country side.

I see beauty. I feel gratitude. I grief. I feel connection.


I get angry. I get more angry. I feel very very angry .

I breath. I feel. I don't judge. I don't push it away.

I don't think. I simply feel.


Day 12 - Day 14


30 hours. Deep intense mindset retreat. Nothing I hear is new. Yet it hits me for the first time right into those parts of my conscious mind were it needs to go.

My personality blossoms.

I feel free. I feel loved. I love myself even deeper. I feel that all of me is exactly were I need to be. I feel proud. I have vision for life that is so big, it does not even scare me yet.


Day 15- Day 17

Insecurity, fear, victimhood.

Old habits pop up. Self sabotage. Struggle. But I have the skills to overcome it. And I do. Its very uncomfortable and I nearly give into old beliefs. But I win.


I have seen and felt worse. This is nothing.


I WIN. MY CHOICE. I WIN.


Awake and very conscious. I take care of myself.

I am not a victim. I am victorious.


With that in mind and heart, I still feel deep grief.

I hear people say. He was old. It's better that way. You are still connected. But it does not comfort my grief.


Deep pain. Deep despair of the lost feline friend.

I cry. I feel it. Feel more. and more and even more.


Its not about me anymore.

Never was.

My little personality is fighting for its life.

Hitting at me with 44 years conditioning, belief systems stuck fear and humiliation of the worst kind.


My final battle.


I take a hit. More hits. And more hits. Night and day.

I don't sleep. I get short tempered.

With every hit I crumble.


But I reach out to my Soul and in payer I rise and in love I rise.

Dust myself of and am vulnerable, but clear.


My soul is so much stronger, always has been, always will be. No more of this. It is done.


My final epic failure. From now onwards my failures are: A first attempt to try something new again and again .


I WIN. MY CHOICE. I WIN.


I let go.


Day 29

Silence.


No fear.


I am here right now.


Alive.


My vulrabiliy has become my strength.


I no longer feel ashamed of all my failures in life. And there have been plenty. My failed educations and carriers. My relationships. My health. And yet.......


I feel such delight of having had such a diverse life experience. I have seen it all. In one life. Haven't I ?


I WIN. MY CHOICE. I WIN.


Its is not about me.

I start up my computer. Work.


My heart says silently says in the meeting,


"Hello dear one. Don't you worry. I have your back. Lets align with your soul and you will win. Yes your Soul. I know you are scared. Aren't we all?

But its.....

Your choice. You will win. It is your destiny to win.

You have been created to win. You are in the right place right now. You won. I know you have, because we are one. "


My voice says , relax. Breath into your heart. follow my voice. Feel your body. What is your thought?


I step aside. I let Source speak, heal, talk, listen, guide, advise, love.


I am the beginning and the End. Always have been …Welcome Home.

You win. Your choice. You win.

You won. We Won.

We are One.










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