Am I willing to let go...
Updated: May 8, 2019
As I started to embark on my own spiritual journey more than 30 years ago, one thing became clear very quickly. I did not understand any of it. What was spirituality?
How was I to surrender to a Higher Power, God, Devine, Spirit, good Vibe, highest Intelligence , when I did not feel or understand what that actually meant?
I wanted too, but I was raised very religious and the results of this strict education were, that I started to mistrust any form of authority. That included the Devine.
I knew, I was a believer, but I did not fit into any form or category. I did not know what to believe in.
No community I tried felt authentic. Even when I connected to Spirituality free of religion. Often if felt strange as well. I kept open, but in the meantime struggled deeply through life. Trying to find the one solution, that would make me feel better. Always searching. Always hoping. I was highly intuitive, but had yet no mastery over it. Mastery has come over the past 7 years. By daily practise and choices to be guided by love, rather than fear. I had to learn that Discipline is good virtue to have, but struggled with my beliefs around it. Discipline had always come together with violence in my life.
In my experience, I felt powerless and I wanted something or somebody from the outside to change my experience. I had no idea at all, that I was the cause of my own misery, by the time of adulthood. I had no idea that my beliefs created my perception.
I had no idea that my own mind was the powerful creator of my life.
I did notice over time, that I always expected the worst of life. In any situation. Life felt exhausting. People exhausted me. Positive people annoyed me. I felt envy. I wanted the goodness of life.
But I simply could not feel it. It was dark inside my heart. I was working hard.
Trying my best to change. Pleasing anybody, but myself.
Scared of feeling rejection, being blamed or shamed for the pain, in others.
Thats what I believed." I have to please everybody."
For years I was deeply angry and resentful. Before that, I was only sad. Depressed for years.
With poor boundaries. Low self esteem. A fearful mind. A closed heart.
But my personality was strong. My Ego was massive. Great help to survice. Thank you Ego.
I had the attitude of street children. Pretending I was all tuff. Knowing it all.
To the outside world, I appeared strong. Always, even as a child.
And I am strong. Just my inner world felt very lonely and disconnected.
I had no faith other, than believing that bad things will happend to me all the time. So I was always prepared. Ready to overcome any new challenge. I was in survival most of my life.
Than I started to learn, that anything I think long enough creates my feelings.
These feelings create a physical sensation in my body. Feelings are nothing else, than thoughts becoming physical in the body. Feelings in motion become EMOTIONS.
If there are old negative & painful emotions blocked, the energy of it will be recreated in my body, creating new thoughts of negativity and so on.
This thoughts create new negative feelings.....and than the circle starts all over again.
You get my point.
An ongoing battle with my inner feelings, thoughts and emotions.
That were predominantly painful and negative.
Once I got that, I was angry. Because it was not my fault, that I had those "bad"emotions stuck in me. There were the results of what other people did to me. I was holding on to resentment. It felt not fair, that I had had to clean up other people's mess. I held grudges.
But my spiritual training all those years taught me, that forgiveness was the only way out.
Next to my Theta Healing training, I was a student of the Kabbalah and the Course of Miracles. Philosophy, Art. Music & Science, all have taught me well.
But back to my life's perception...
I had nobody to blame, other myself. The thoughts I kept thinking were creating misery, suffering and pain. But I was doing it myself to myself.
That took a while to get my head around. But than I choose to be at peace, rather than be resentful. And I took few years to dive deep into forgiveness. Dealing with deep rooted insecurities and shame.
The Dark Night of the Soul was present in my Life for years.
It was uncomfortable. Not easy. But the most rewarding process of my life.
Coming to the point that I needed to forgive myself most. Still up till this day, I check in with forgiveness, to make sure I take my responsibility to evolve and be present in my life.
Now it might take just a moment to realise what is going on inside of me. In the past it could take years.
I let go......I forgave....I matured emotionally, mentally, spiritually.
I wanted to be free again. And my spiritual journey has provided me with that freedom, through my faith and the ability to belief in myself and forgive.
I choose conscious to free myself.
Every day with every challenge again and again I choose my power over my victimhood.
I asked the Devine to help me. To inspire my actions, my thoughts, my feelings, my humanity.
I humbly surrendered. I could not solve my challenges with the mind that had created it in the first place. I needed an Intervention that was more powerful than my own thoughts. And that was Love. Love transforms everything. No matter how impossible the task might seem. That is my actual own life experience.
My ego battling my transformation every step of the way.
The Ego does not like any form of change.
Now my Ego is my assistent, not my employer. I give it jobs and commands. Don't take orders.
I discharged it from running my life. It gets better jobs now. And my Ego is actually happier.
Less overworked. I still notice its work and when it tries to trick me into fear.
Loving myself and moving forward in life. That has become my motivation in life.
Being open and receptive to all good that comes my way.
I became the love of my own life.
I feel worthy. No matter what I do in life.
My worthiness does not depend on others. Nor on what I do in Life.
Spirituality has taught me more about life than my dysfunctional belief systems.
I am more grounded my body. More real. More open. Spiritual views have thought me to move beyond of what I thought is possible.
Life has become a humbling experience and yet I feel more powerful than ever. A wonderful experience, that I wish for anybody embarking on their journey to love and an Empowerd Life.
It all starts with a simple choice. Am I willing to let go.
With Love & Gratitude